67 The Funniest Quotes from Famous Comedians
Laughter is the best medicine, and comedians have a special way of turning everyday situations into something hilarious. Their witty observations, sarcastic takes, and unexpected punchlines have made audiences laugh for generations. Here are 67 of the funniest quotes from famous comedians that will brighten your day and make you see the world through a more humorous lens.
Observations on Life
- “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” — Tommy Cooper
- “I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.” — Rodney Dangerfield
- “Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes.” — Jim Carrey
- “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” — Steven Wright
- “I can resist everything except temptation.” — Oscar Wilde
- “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” — Steven Wright
- “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” — Zach Galifianakis
- “I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” — David Lee Roth
- “I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius, and we’re skeptical.” — Arthur C. Clarke
- “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost, and you see a path. Then by all means, follow that path.” — Ellen DeGeneres
Marriage and Relationships
- “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner
- “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” — Henny Youngman
- “My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
- “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.” — Unknown
- “Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park.” — Unknown
- “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” — Henny Youngman
- “My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have some good food, and enjoy each other’s company. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” — Rodney Dangerfield
- “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell
- “You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” — Dr. Seuss
- “Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.” — Cathy Carlyle
Work and Productivity
- “I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
- “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
- “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” — Steven Wright
- “By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
- “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
- “Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
- “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams
- “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” — Woody Allen
- “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far, I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” — Dave Barry
- “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” — Cathy Guisewite
Food and Eating Habits
- “I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.” — W.C. Fields
- “The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook.” — Julia Child
- “I hate people who steal my ideas before I think of them.” — Karl Pilkington
- “Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.” — Mark Twain
- “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper
- “A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.” — Unknown
- “I’m not saying I’m old, but I do have a party trick where I remove my dentures and eat pudding.” — Unknown
- “Never eat more than you can lift.” — Miss Piggy
- “The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money.” — Unknown
- “I went to buy some camouflage trousers, but I couldn’t find any.” — Tommy Cooper
Random Funny Thoughts
- “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.” — Unknown
- “Some people graduate with honors, I am just honored to graduate.” — John McEnroe
- “I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.'” — Unknown
- “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” — A.A. Milne
- “Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?” — Steven Wright
- “I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.” — Unknown
- “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.” — Steven Wright
- “If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?” — Unknown
- “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” — Charlie Chaplin
- “I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me vacation ads.” — Unknown
- “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” — Bob Hope
- “Why do they call it fast food when you have to wait so long for it?” — Unknown
- “Why does your nose run and your feet smell?” — Unknown
- “The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.” — Albert Einstein
- “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” — Earl Wilson
- “I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.” — Unknown
- “I told my wife the truth. She told me the truth. Now we live separately.” — Rodney Dangerfield
- “You know you’re old when you bend down to tie your shoe and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.” — George Burns
- “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” — Mark Twain
- “I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.” — Unknown
- “If I had a dollar for every time I said ‘I’ll start tomorrow,’ I’d be rich by now.” — Unknown
- “Some mornings I wake up grumpy; other mornings I let him sleep.” — Unknown
- “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” — Will Rogers
- “Always borrow money from a pessimist. They don’t expect it back.” — Oscar Wilde
- “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown
- “I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.” — Unknown
- “Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.” — Victor Borge
